I'd already been awake when the alarm sounded at 5. I knew I felt "off," but greeted Benjamin like a bright light- talk about being inauthentic! There I was trying to be ok, though in truth, pushing away that, -like steam rising - which was coming up.
I went through my morning routine, and felt crappier.
I thought all that would "help," - the cold shower,
the breathwork, the mediation,
sun salutations, Qi Gong...though by then,
the steam that I'd tried to cap, had blown the lid off.
It was when I was preparing my warm water and coffee, that I actually realized that not only was I "off," I was angry. Very.
I talked myself through it and made a conscious decision to a), give anger space, and b) not drink the coffee nor break my fast - for the latter would have ignored the anger entirely, festering it further.
In saying no to impulse, I said yes to me.
"Darling girl, I Am with you," I said silently to the part of me wanting to notice the call of anger.
I went to the studio and wrote.
Easy, it would have been to find any fault in Ben, which I perceived myself navigating towards, but as equally as I had forgone the coffee and breaking fast, I knew that any form of blame, was the trap of temporary relief.
Even the thought of, "ok, it's not my anger, and therefore the anger of the collective, going through me, " came and went.
Collective or "mine," it was my body through which anger presented. Along with many sisters and brothers "working," the (new) Light (codes), feeling the weight of the world, this time I took a step forward from even that thought. "Be that as it may, this is my body," and if I am a conduit, then it is me who needs to transmute this energy of anger, which entails what, but a deep love for a) the anger, b) myself and also, our human collective. "
Judge not, love.
I wrote and felt so very much relief, after which I picked up a book that I had written when Benjamin and I first met, around two years ago. I opened up near the beginning of it and read what I then wrote.
I was going through a transition, a tough one, that watered and grew my Faith and CHOICE to love evermore.
I share this with you now:
The road of, and to, (greater) awareness, is what we land upon as a result of questioning.
Questioning all those and everything around us-
Our parents, theirs, culture, religion, education and educators, those meant to "protect," us (governments)....
Questioning any of the aforementioned, let alone all of them, will take you down a seemingly lonely path.
Now, see that I say "down, " as opposed to up.
That is the first indicator that,
Hard as it seems, that this is the righteous path, or,
The path of Right-use .
No longer are you taking an uphill battle against life, but you begin to walk down hill.
But of course, yes, having been there, transitions are/can be confusing. If all your life you've be been trudging upwards, competing with all those around to reach the top,
Against life,
Through your beginning to question and self-inquiry, and no longer blindly accepting all that is dished to you,
The descent of that illusory ascent, commences.
And with hardly a soul around you - few are led to question, or want to for that matter, as doing so is painful), and no more competition,-
There you are. "alone."
Just yesterday, a new friend - and soul sister of the ages, reaffirmed the path not at all being lonely.
It need not be, anyhow.
One might seem or look to be alone, but with a full heart, and knowing that all the space around You is Divine Intelligence, God, then even if one stumbles into a mode of self-pity, one tends not to remain there , with the rememberance that the space all round us cradles us in It's womb, nurturing, loving, blessing...
I had the realization not too long ago, and since then have foresaken such titles, as "soloist," "self-made," or a "one-woman show." It dawned on me that I am no misfit, nor a rebel, black-sheep, against the grain, what have you....
On the contrary. I AM on the grain. on the grain of God.
So, what's the choice?
Trudging uphill, distracted by all manner of things, people, places....
Or going down hill, with ease in heart, never alone, full of faith, full of love...?
_
Interestingly enough, just as I was to write this post, I did the numerology of both days, today and the day I shared from two years ago.
Today: 13.03.2024
Other day: 15.03.2022
Both days, when added up and reduced to a single digit, add up to "6."
Three words come to mind quickly about this number: magic, family, Tesla.
_
I do hope this bit of writing serves you well, thank you so very m uch for coming along.
With great love,
xxManj