It's been epiphany after epiphany of late, and I just had one, that I cannot not share with you.
I know I've talked much about emotions, the importance of them, and why it's in our best interest to honour all that arises from within us, but I feel the message is far more clear than ever.
As I sat eating a meal, staring outside, contemplating, this came up:
If you feel sad, or mad, or depressed - whatever it is - allow yourself to.
Does that make sense? Can we do this without thinking about it?
We're holding on to our strife when we think we must be otherwise, other than sad or mad, or depressed, and in that is a heavy judgement we lay upon ourselves.
Not judging what we're feeling, giving ourselves the space to be as we are, stops not only the judgement, but the resistance to whatever it is. The sooner we can realize that we are in a resistant state of life, for the want of holding on (yes, no one else can be blamed if you or I feel bad, the onus is absolutely on us to alter our state, regardless of anything external), the sooner we can wake up from the trance.
Remember, we don't have external addictions. The physical thing we go to, is a symptom of an emotion that we're unwilling to look at. Change that pattern, the symptom, no matter how bad it is - alcohol, food, sex, drugs, internet, etc etc etc - and the symptom will also dissipate.
Last night I was in quite a state of discord. Angry would be the best description. I was irritable, perhaps without tact, annoyed beyond words, and all the while, there was this burning desire for some *thing....
Walking into the early dark, sitting to meditate and practice yoga, followed by a cold shower, helped loosen things. I had brought anger into this day with me, and it begged for attention.
I gave it my all, in the space of my mind, allowing myself not to be nice, to be angry, to hate, to judge, to be an asshole etc etc. I exhausted myself and as soon as I'd remembered to do it, I was in my bedroom, notebook in hand, writing frantically.
More epiphanies, more relief.
Where I had thought today was going to be a quiet day, not speaking much, it completely changed. By the time Nicky woke up and stepped out of her room, I was calm. Last night I recognized that I wanted to take my bad feelings out on her. She was really annoying me.
Or was she?
That was my observer self asking the question.
The answer to that question was a big "no."
She was not annoying me. She was solely a trigger for me to realize that something in me was askew. I was annoyed and she was but a signal look inwards.
So yes, where I thought I might lose it on her today, (and in my contemplations this morning, I had asked myself what it would take for me not to do so - the answer being 'seeing her in tears (not because of me), our interaction was beautiful.
She'd awoken unsettled, just as I, shared a very strange dream, and we chatted for some time, before she went off to prepare for work. It didn't finish without a deep and very necessary embrace, tears on my part, and hearted 'I love you's.'
The relief has continued for me, as I get naked with my emotions, with the sole desire to feel good, through being honest. The tears keep coming, always the aftermath of resistance falling apart and coming back to harmony, or zero-point.
*the burning desire for some thing turned out to be simply: being honest.
I hope this offered you solace, that's all I desire for All.
Blessings and great love,
PS: just came back to add a couple of favorite yoga mentors:
Breathe & Flow ( "Yoga for Men")
Yoga with Adrien A 30 day journey focusing on Breath
See what resonates, and if not either of these two lovely souls, don't stop searching. Please.