Somewhere down the line, my confidence waned, and I don't mean just recently. It's happened over time with the letting go of all things that made me "me," to the outer world.
The unravelling process which had largely happened from around 2012 to 2017, picked up momentum as of the so called pandemic. I decided, as often I do and declare, (and then retreat from), that I, no matter what, will not allow any external state of affairs, break my faith, so that I cannot show up here, in front of you.
I have all the faith in the world, that this here communication, via a "blog," entirely disappears at some point and we meet again, or for the first time, in new person.
Before I go through the steps of posting the interview with Jonathon, I share with you this. Having done the interview (which whilst doing so was soooo wonderful), afterwards, I unraveled further, and not due to him, by any means. He is a wonderful interviewer and truly a lovely person. We'd not met before what you're about to watch, and even in that, moments before we began, he was going to read me the list of questions he'd be asking, and I declined that. "Let's just roll with it," I said, with a big smile.
Yes, I see myself, childlike, ready for anything, especially newness, and then there is this incredibly deep side of me (I am tempted to include dark in there also, but something stops me saying, "it's ok, it's all you, and there's nothing wrong"), which is super sensitive beyond measure, which has been my protector for long, in this time. What I wish to write here is that I think it's time now that this Protector part of me and Confidence part of me, merge. I wouldn't say that they are on opposing side of the same stick, that would be more confidence and doubt, but protector falls somewhere in there..
It nearly pains me to share this video, because I felt it was egoic. The old me says, the people who need to find it will.
I think that part of me just died, with the revelation that what I am, and what I do hinders no one from their growth.
I'm not sure how I got to walking on egg shells, in the last little while. What I did realize however, was that once this interview was finished, and I went to bed, I couldn't sleep for long because I was spinning.
"That's not what I wanted to say.
Why didn't I think that through better.
I totally lost my train of thought and didn't even answer the question.
I didn't even mention so and so, or this, or that..."
One might ask why I would share all this, it sounds like a sob story. I only know that there's some incredibly deep stuff surfacing from the depths of me, which I've been a champion at suppressing. Some of it I thought I dealt with years ago, some is new and surprising....I don't know what it is, nor where it came from, and my only job is to allow it to all come up.
Another revelation I had in the aftermath of all that spinning was how very very hard I am on myself. Truly, no one judges me more harshly than I do me.
I started to notice this in the way that I was critical about others for menial things, and when I dug further, of course the very things that bothered me about them, was that I myself do the same things and don't want to, or want to and am not.
Can you imagine, that after all that self torture, not even sure if I'd share it, when I decided to watch the video last night (Jonathon posted it earlier in the day, and seeing it made my heart skip a beat), I sat atop my bed, pressed play, and found myself smiling? That was a version of me a week ago, how cool...how cool.
...
So here we are, I see me clearer, and don't even pretend that this unraveling process is over, more like a work in progress.
I have a sense that I wrote this all in my last post, or throughout many, videos included, but this is today, now, and actually I feel better. I appreciate you, in being here, and know too, this is an interaction, a dance of the many, moving as one, all intertwined.
Wow, from start to now, it truly feels like this bit of writing was a therapy session!
~
...I think of great people whom I admire and how they inevitably share how scared they were when they began the process of where they are at present (sharing that story). That's me. This is all new. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm following my own lead, the Higher Me that is, and just going with it. In my minds eye, I see the big picture and have faith in it. Kindwhile, I'm adding colour to this picture, one breath at a time, and in this instance, the colour is pressing the publish button.
That said, here you are:
About Jonathon Spencer
Also a free-spirited seeker of greater self, it's no wonder, having been brought into this world by the very hands of his own father. His father birthed all seven children at home, and Mama Spencer being a teacher, schooled each of them at home. Jonathon and his siblings were raised not eating animals, simply because their parents questioned that narrative and so many others, which planted seeds of greatness.
What a pleasure it was to share and interact with Jonathon, and I hope that our conversation leaves you with a smile too.
Lots of love,
xxManj
PS: Should you wish to see the video about
Jonathon interviewing his father and talking
about home birth, home schooling,
and many other topics, check this video out: