Manj I Am
What Is This Time of Uncertainty Asking of You, of Us?
Updated: Nov 15, 2020
What on earth is going on?! Everything, it seems.
I reach out at present, after weeks of seeing myself do so, but never quite getting here.
In fact it's been a really really trying time. I purposely will not share any specifics, so as to not bring back those circumstances, situations, interactions.
The reminder here is of that universal law of like attracts like. Let's back up for just a sec and revise something that's way to understated: everything exists as vibration first. A vibrations then turns into a thought and a thought turns into a thing. "Seeing is believing," is the farthest thing from the truth, believe/know first, and you shall see it.
So, believe you me, to give focus to things I wish to leave where they now are- in the past, is not my intention. (And especially at a time of rapid manifestation of thoughts).
Then why write this at all, for what purpose? Well, dear souls, to hold on to such things as despair, deep depression, rage, anger, bouts of crying out of nowhere, feeling bad for no apparent reason, reemergence of old patterns, addiction, etc etc etc, over the last couple of months, to come out the other end, seemed rather selfish of me, especially knowing that as we are all energetically connected, some of you, if not most, will likely have been experiencing the same things.
Before I share my way out of the cave, I must say the following:
No matter where you find yourself on the emotional scale, from super high to super low, we are wading through a time-space that looks greatly unfamiliar, and we have big choices to make.
Do you really want to go back to the way things were? Or are you willing to allow the old you - layers and layers of you - die, only to be resurrected to a version of you that you've always dreamed of? In fact, beyond your dreams?
It's hard right now. Nothing seems to make sense, nor is there any semblance of sense.
In brief, what looked like near death, and I promise I do not say that lightly, was very much a metamorphosis. There was a moment that came when I was in my cave of dark, where I realized I felt I might actually die and with that came, "well, go on then."
That's when I let go of the struggle, I stopped resisting what needed to happen, what was being asked of me: To go on.
"Stuff," was coming up left, right and centre, and instead of resisting it, I remembered to let it in. I remembered to stop judging myself. I couldn't be a good sister, daughter, nor friend. I couldn't find it in myself, and I stopped being so hard on myself for that.
In that time, I had so many insights, probably one of the greatest was through my mother. (Having left Europe to be with my family in this time of twilight, I stay with my parents). In fact, I've had countless insight's and epiphany's through her. Of course my parents were concerned when I wasn't showing up, that I'd just stay in my room.
In an awkward moment with mum, with tears rolling down my cheeks, (breakdowns kind of became "normal,"), I told her that I wasn't nice, and I couldn't be around anyone. I didn't know what was wrong, and it was too easy to blame anyone around me for nothing, for anything, anything to transfer the pain out of me. I shared that a couple of times, and do so now too, because it's so relevant. It's so much harder to look inward and not necessarily search for the issue, but just go there and be willing to take a flashlight to yourself....I cannot understate how difficult it was.
But, and here comes the silver lining, though some days I thought I might die, (out of this physical realm), I also knew that I would rise. I started to trust life again, that which I call God/Consciousness. I saw myself feeling better, getting better. Though I had not stopped going through the motions of meditation, I added yoga to the mix. Even though I felt "dead," doing them, I continued. Also, though I normally do my own thing, I felt far from "normal," and called upon outside sources for help.
I started with the yoga, (Yoga with Adrien), which I have been committed to now for just over three weeks. Doing so opened me up to receive information that I'd been longing for, which led to a guided meditation (through Sandra Walter). I found that science was confirming the spirit that I know, not that I needed that, but was it ever assuring in that time. The meditation helped more than words can say, practicing the art of quantum physics, getting used to things I've known about "in theory."
Since I started the DNA Activation meditation, life has been different, I have been different. More honest, more selfish than ever before in order to be selfless in the same breath, less judgmental of not only myself and those around me, but of the collective at large. A better way to put that across would be to say that I'm rooting myself in neutrality (doing my best). Neutrality is my new practice, or an additional practice, and when I remember it in the midst of starting to polarize with something or another, I breathe easy again. What is truth anyway?
Looking beyond my inner world to the outer, you know what I see now?
The entire planet in the birth canal.
Part of the collective, those knowing that light was always there and to reach it meant forging ahead despite opposition, despite group think, have. The light bearers, forerunners, reach their hearts out through hands, waiting to grab onto and embrace the next wave of the collective about to be born, who will do the same for the following waves.
We all get born again, sooner or later, when that happens is a choice. Going from the familiar - the dark, warm, womb where we've been "nurtured," for lifetimes, - into the unfamiliar, is uncomfortable, to say the least.
There will always be that one more. One more drink. One more day of bad food choices. One more day with the partner who berates us. One more client.....Just One more time, before we start taking care of our precious body- that which holds every single answer to every question we've asked, are asking, or will ever ask.
My change came contemplating the above whilst engaging in the thing that would destroy me. Start by doing nothing but being so acutely aware of you, all that you are, and loving yourself through the thing that destroys you. Be gentle to you, as though you were a 5 year old kid. Walk yourself through what you're doing, instead of resisting and or stopping, and do so every time. Allow the energy of that "thing," to return to where it came from, with love.
Once I'd committed to the yoga and mediation, other things became almost daily too. Like designing clothes again. I used to think that having wanted to be a designer was superficial. What good does it do for the collective? Now I recognize that anything I do, that puts me into a state of receiving direct from Source Energy, is for the betterment of all. Find joy, get lost in creating something. It matters not the result, rather, that you did it.
Finally, in the process of transforming, as I started coming out of my cave, people were around. Not just my family- God Bless them, but old and new friends. Words cannot express my gratitude for those beautiful souls I am blessed with and by.
I share this out of duty. I've had conversations with others who are where I was only just weeks ago, rooting them on because if we're in touch, that means they're out of the cave, and to just keep going. Maybe you're just coming out of yours now....
I wish you well in these times. It may well get way worse before we see it get better, as we, the collective move through the birth canal, heading towards birth.
With great love,
PS: If you're having a hard time and wish to chat, it would be my honor. There's no labels here anymore or charge. No life-coach, stylist, or whatever. I'm just here to help and if I do help you, I'd be happy enough for you to donate to my paypal.
Be well dear loves.
#trust #faith #life #neutrality